This year(2012) has been very interesting for me in terms of love. I got out of a long term relationship prior to learning about the whole Asperger's thing, so I've been paying close attention to my own behavior and thoughts in a more structured light while dating. Let me explain why this is so important for me.
One of the common aspects of Asperger's Syndrome is having a "special interest." This is something that the person retreats to when socially overwhelmed. In most people with AS, this manifests as a fascination with a certain subject, collecting very specific objects, etc. At first I thought I didn't have a special interest, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I actually had two. The first is music, and, as cheesy as it sounds, the second is love. Music, especially the music I listen to, is very direct in it's meaning, and I often use it to help me define my feelings when I can't make sense of them. That makes sense. But in addition to that, I became entranced by the concept of love. I think this is because it's a social comfort, and the music and movies I consumed from a very early age turned me into a hopeless romantic, so I have had this idea in my head of this perfect woman that I've always been searching for. Now, logically, I don't believe in the idea of "the one." I know there are plenty of women I could live fantastic lives with, but even so, that number is finite. Love has always been something very important to me, and I've tried to mold myself into the perfect mate for this perfect companion. I am ridiculously romantic when the right girl comes along. I try not to be over the top about it, but there's no denying it. It's hard to find someone who appreciates that. It's something I have thought about every other waking second of my entire life. So, yes, I consider it my "special interest."
And with that prologue, let's see where I've been, shall we?
The difference between meeting online and in person
Obviously, most people on the autism spectrum have trouble initiating conversation. I am no exception. The problem is that we tend to be socially immature and have trouble reading social cues. This leads to hesitation when approaching people, and not just in a romantic way. It happens when making friends, as well. My problem isn't fear of failure, however, it's literally just an internal argument trying to decide what would be an appropriate way to approach a girl. After "Hello", I'm usually at a loss for words. Saying "Hi, I think you're cute" stopped working in middle school, but I often can't figure out what to say. I can maintain almost any conversation for hours, but starting one is like pulling teeth for me. Through risking embarrassment I realized that just being honest is the best route. I'm not good at being subtle, as I say often, so if I want to talk to someone, I usually just let them know that I'm not good at introducing myself, and then introduce myself. Making a joke out of it helps, but I'm still able to show that I'm sincere. In my case, I haven't had any bad luck with this. No one's been bitchy to me, and even if the girl isn't interested, I'm usually told that I've made their day.
I look at it this way. When you approach someone in person, you know right away that you're attracted to them, so it's just a matter of finding out if you're compatible. If you meet someone online, you can get a glimpse of their personality, then you have to meet in person and see if you're attracted to them. So I am open to both. Since my AS diagnosis, I have "thrown myself to the wolves" several times just to get used to approaching people. I have also met many people online. Both have met with equal success rates.
2013
New Year's Eve and January
Not a whole lot to report, but I haven't been socially idle, either. Met the first girl online. Went out for sushi and had a great time. We already knew from messaging that we had similar senses of humor, so we hit it off well. But, she had just gotten out of a long term relationship and decided she wasn't ready to date after all. No hard feelings, and we're still friends and chat. I think good banter is a terrible thing to waste.
The second woman really intrigued me. I met her on New Year's Eve. I wasn't feeling well that night, but my friend(and ex-girlfriend)'s family was in town, so I decided to hang out for just a bit. We went to the local bar where her boyfriend works to celebrate. I intended on only staying an hour, but after a couple of drinks I started feeling better. Then, catching me unawares, she walks into the room. Tall, blond, and stunningly gorgeous. She looked like Olivia Newton-John from Xanadu. Not kidding. Now with a bit of liquid courage in me I knew I couldn't leave until I talked to her.
I made mention to my friend that I was trying to see if there was a ring on her finger, because I could never see her left hand. Before I had even finished my sentence, Brandi was on her feet despite mine and her mother's protestations, haha. She pulls her away and starts talking about me, telling her that I was shy and it would be a few drinks before I talked to her. Jerk, haha. And because of that, she was right. My biggest problem is not knowing what to say past "hi." Usually I will sit there looking for an "in" for conversation, but in most cases by the time I've figured one out, they're gone. And Brandi would NOT stop bugging me about it (she was more drunk than she would admit to), so finally I just grabbed a chair and pulled it up to her table. I introduced myself to her group, then proceeded to engage in chitchat with her. She was extremely nice and was much better at starting the conversation than I was. After ten minutes or so I took my leave with a new contact in my phone. I was quite content.
We went out on a few dates and had a great time. Fantastic conversations and a very relaxed environment. I knew she was a few years older, and a gentlemen can never ask, but after date #2 I deduced from linkedin that she was about 11-12 years older. After thinking about it, I decided that I really didn't care. Age doesn't matter to me as much as the person does. This was only the second woman I've dated that I felt relaxed around in the past year. I was excited, because she was something completely different, but I was still relaxed. She was a high level executive with a passion for travel and to be involved in charities. After dating so many women with serious issues, it was a breath of fresh air to date someone who had their act together and was capable of obtaining their dreams.
I've become a very forward and open person. I make it a point to speak my mind to get used to being a more social person. However, I know very well that not everyone is like this. I do this to overcome my ingrained social tendencies. Many people are reserved, and she was one of them. She admitted that she internalized a lot of things. I knew she was having a good time with me and felt a connection, but I knew she was still reserved. I never pushed, partly because I don't see anything wrong with being reserved when you first start seeing someone, but also because I didn't feel the need to rush anything. As I said, relaxed. Well, turns out her reservations about us were what I hoped they wouldn't be. She thought that the age gap was too big and because of that I wasn't looking to settle down. I told her she was incorrect, but that I understood. At that point there really isn't much you can do to change someone's mind. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted, and she did breathe a little bit of life back into my spirit.
2012
The first attempts
When I first put myself back out there, it was very interesting. I've become the king of awkward silences. For some reason, though, I had a string of bad luck where every woman I talked to was engaged. This happened three times in a row. The first one I was proud of myself for. She was with a group, which is one of my biggest social anxieties. But, I was determined to talk to her, so I walked over and asked her aside. It was strange because she was very grateful for the compliment, and I could actually tell that she was attracted to me, and then she proceeded to tell me about her engagement and it got a little uncomfortable. She was not happy about being engaged, it seemed. But she was the one who asked him! I ended up talking to her for awhile that night, and that was the problem. She wanted someone who was a little more traditional and wanted a man to ask her. I really didn't know what to say. I think this would be an interesting conversation even for a neurotypical person. Especially when you're attracted to someone who is attracted to you as well, and I obviously had traits that she was looking for, but there was nothing I could do. And, after we would stop talking, she would come back up and start talking to me again 15 minutes later. People are strange.
Another engaged incident I had was at the Renaissance Festival. I set my sights high when it comes to women. I refuse to settle. I tend to go after the ones that seem unattainable. I'm awkward, but I'm a good looking guy, so it's reasonable. My friend who was there with me was in the army and was getting ready to be deployed to Afghanistan, and he wanted some sort of ridiculous sword to take with him, so we were looking at sword shops. One of them was pirate themed, and one of the "wenches" was gorgeous. Barney bought his gauntlet/sword thing and I finally got the nerve to talk to her. I'm very straight-forward when I talk to people. I'm not good at hiding intentions, so I've learned to just be genuine about it and hope that it works. She was very playful and sarcastic, and instead of giving me her number, she asks for my email address. I figured that was my refusal, so I gave it to her, but didn't expect anything to come of it. Surprisingly enough, I received a friend request on facebook the next day! We started chatting, we had a few similar interests and I made it very clear a few times that I intended to take her on a date. After a week of talking, she tells me that she was engaged. What? That makes no sense! Why would you lead someone on like that? She apologized and said that she got hit on a lot there but I seemed like a genuinely nice person so she wanted to be friends. That's fine and all, I'll never turn down a good friend, but I really would have liked to have known that up front. Again, people are strange.
The one who stole my heart
On June 29, at about 7:35(she was having trouble parking), the most beautiful women I've ever seen walked up and said hello. Well, if you want to get technical, she said "Hi." But that only matters to me. She had looked cute in her pictures, but honestly I didn't have any expectations for our encounter, so I was unprepared. Luckily for me, she was just as socially awkward as I was. Aside from being gorgeous, she was brilliant, kind, a smartass, and even though we had similar upbringings and ideals, we had different interests, which is something I look for. I don't want to date myself, but I don't want to date someone I have nothing in common with, either. We had a fantastic night. Dinner and a movie at the history museum. My head was spinning for the next two days. Our next date was the following Tuesday. Nothing special, dinner and ice cream afterwards, but I was awestruck again. That was the night of our first kiss. Now, I knew she was having a good time, but up until this point I didn't know how much she really liked me. That kiss answered my question and quelled all doubts. When I kissed her, she kissed back. I felt like I was in a musical, and could have skipped down the stairs if I wasn't keenly aware that I'm clumsy and would have hurt myself.
This was the first women I had ever been with that I didn't feel self conscious around. I knew she liked me and was attracted to me, which all made me more confident. She brought out the best in me. She made me want to be the gentleman that I raised myself to be. It was love at first sight. I never told her that, of course, but I made it known to her that I was smitten and she knew she had no reason to doubt that. I admire her and have a great respect for her(and I'm keeping that present tense). As I said, I'm a hopeless romantic, despite the fact that I would warn caution to any of my friends who said the love at first sight thing. But my friends loved her and her friends seemed to like me, as well. I remember one night laying next to her and thinking to myself "Oh, so this is what that feels like." I could not have asked for anything more. To reiterate, in case it isn't clear yet, I've NEVER been more attracted to someone before. I'm confident about who I am and am happy with myself overall, but she increased that exponentially. I felt like I had everything. She fell asleep with her head on my chest while watching the Muppets Take Manhattan, for Cthulhu's sake. I wanted for nothing.
After a month she tells me how much she likes me and how I'm the first guy in a long time that she hasn't wanted to push away. Then she opens up about some terrible things that have happened to her in her life. I was the first guy she had told these things to. After she was done, I only loved her more. Not because she had problems that needed "fixing", but because she became more real to me after that. This wasn't some perfect person with a perfect life that I had to constantly try to live up to. She was a real human who had been through a lot, but still ended up the beautiful person that I had my arms around at that moment. I never wanted to let go. She thanked me for giving the perfect response and I took her home. Our next weekend was great, we watched the opening ceremony of the Olympics with her friends, she spent the night, and we went tubing down the Chattahoochee with her friends the following day. That's another thing: I don't do outdoors-y things like tubing and such, but I didn't care what I was doing as long as she was there. I'm pretty sure I would have gone skydiving with her if she wanted to, and I have no interest in ever jumping out of a plane. But after that weekend, things started to go downhill.
Her anxiety got the best of her, and she did, in fact, start to push me away. I knew she was busy and stressed with moving and a conference she had coming up, so I gave her some space. We still talked every day, but I noticed when I took her to brunch the following week that she was much more distant. I still chalked it up to stress. She had a lot going on, so I didn't think anything of it. But after that, nothing. I stopped getting responses. This, for me, was terribly confusing. Being ignored is a very difficult thing to deal with, especially when you have trouble reading social cues. I dropped off flowers to her door one night, and I got a response from that, but even then it was different. I wanted to see her before she went out of the country for her conference, and told her so, and finally the morning she left she told me that she was sorry that she wasn't able to see me beforehand, but she was really stressed and busy. That says "I still like you," does it not? But that was the last communication I received from her for another couple of weeks. Finally, I contacted her closest friend to ask her advice, and that prompted her to email me and tell me how much anxiety dating causes her and that she wasn't ready to see anyone, let alone be in a relationship with me. She said that every nice thing I did for her made her feel less in control of her feelings. I didn't know how to react. I sent her my reply, a joking, yet serious response telling her why she needed to give it a chance, but to this day I've heard nothing from her. That hurt more than I can describe. I know she liked me and that the time we spent apart had let her stress take over and made her head run wild. I know what stress can do, all too well. But there was nothing I could do. She shut down.
The worst part is, I can't be mad at her. It's not like she was lying and dumping me for someone else or just trying to get me to go away. I understand why she did what she did, but all I want to do is be there to show her that things can be better. That's not going to happen, I know that, but I think about her everyday. And she set a hell of a bar for other girls to live up to. One came close to hitting that bar, but we'll get to her later.
Update, 12/09: I actually saw her a couple of weeks ago, for the first time since all of this happened. It caught me off guard. I had so many ideas of how great our fall and winter was going to be together, and she looked exactly like she did in my thoughts, but I wasn't next to her. Not to be too dramatic, but I think of the following song whenever I think of her now. It's apt on many levels:
Florida- Star Wars convention
I figured that if I was going to find anyone I had common ground with, it was going to be at a nerd convention. My friends and I drove to Orlando for the Star Wars convention. The girl who stole my heart had dropped me the day before, so I wasn't in the most solid of mental states. But I was determined to make the best of it. My costume was a Mad Men/Star Wars mash-up. I went as "Darth Draper." This allowed me to dress dapper, carry a lightsaber, and drink whiskey. I was a little too obsessed with finding a girl, so I just upset myself. The convention was actually pretty small (about 15,000 people), and we had a lot more fun just running around Orlando. We found a really neat bar happily named "Icebar", which had a room made out of, you guessed it, ice. The walls, the tables, chairs and glasses. All ice. Really cool, no pun intended. As I said before, when meeting people in person, I very often can't think of anything to say after "hello." Here's proof: I saw a group of women at Icebar, one of which was quite attractive. So I, in a suit, holding a lightsaber and tipsy from the rye, walked up to them and said hi. They said hello back, and I realized that I had nothing to add to that, so I just turned around and walked away.
Dragon-Con
Dragon-Con was interesting. Again, I was still hurting from losing the one who stole my heart, so I was almost desperate to find some perfect nerd girl to fall in love with. A folly, I know. The funny thing is, had I not been so blinded by that, I would have been successful, or at least I would have had a much better time. I had two very attractive girls hit on me, one was a nerd pin-up model and the other was at a hotel party. On top of that, I found the courage to talk to one girl and she seemed interested. The problem with the two latter girls were that they lived out of state, and the point of my obsession was that I wasn't just looking for sex. I wanted a relationship. So after talking the girl at the party, once I realized that she lived far away, I just left. I already wasn't in a good mood because the "leader" of our group was getting on my nerves, and that party was really cramped. I took my leave and found other friends. The girl that I approached was very sweet, but this was the last day of the convention and they were heading back home in a couple of hours, so I reiterated my compliment and went about my business.
So that leaves the pin-up model. If I'm not mentally expecting social interaction, it may take me a minute to catch up to a conversation. I'm usually off in my own head about something, and sometimes if someone speaks to me when I'm not prepared, I can't even get my vocal cords to work, or what comes out is just muddled gibberish where my brain is just spewing out 5 different phrases, hoping to stumble upon the one that's right for the situation. I expected some sort of conversation as I walked up to this particular booth, so she started talking to me and we made a few jokes back and forth. This lasted a few minutes, and then I moved on. About ten minutes later, I realized that I was being hit on. I figured that even if she didn't live here, hanging our with that group would be fun, so I went back to talk to her. Gone. Nowhere to be seen. I was intent on talking to her again, so I checked back a couple of times over the weekend, but sadly never found her. Figures.
The Nerd
I went on a few dates with a girl who I had seen at Dragon-Con, but didn't actually talk to until a couple of weeks after, surprisingly meeting online. She was really cute, we had a lot in common and great conversation, but there just wasn't any chemistry between us. I still felt that general self consciousness and social awkwardness that I feel with people I don't know very well. I know that with most relationships, platonic or romantic, there are periods of getting to know each other that you have to go through, but this never really went past that. Luckily she met someone that she did have more chemistry with. I'm glad because she deserves someone who makes her happy. We would not have made each other happy overall.
The one I couldn't figure out
I dated this girl for a few weeks, but I could never figure out how she felt about me. Everything was confusing and seemingly contradictory. On our first date we met for tea. Kind of a last minute thing, so it was quick and we had good conversation, but since neither of us were expecting to hang out, there was some awkwardness. The next time we met it was a proper fall date: dinner and a corn maze. We had a good time at dinner, but while going through the corn maze, I thought that there was no way this girl was into me at all. Despite the music I listen to, I'm very clean cut and I hate country music, save for that written prior to 1960. She's very country, but also a mathematician, which was a surprising combination. Not saying it's unheard of, but come on, let's be honest. It's not common. So I feel no attraction from this girl whatsoever while we're out, but I try to have a good time regardless. When I take her back to her car, it's still early, so SHE suggests that we continue the evening and she buys me a drink. Not what I was expecting, but hey, I'm autistic and not good with social cues so maybe I read it all wrong. We have a great time at the bar, and a short but sweet kiss goodnight. Cool.
We had a very interesting evening at a charity event the next week or so. It was a Boardwalk Empire casino themed event for the Atlanta Symphony and Orchestra. I'm always looking for a reason to dress up and so is a female friend of mine, Sheila, so we're there and so is my date. My friend is notoriously late, so I met up with my date way before Sheila got there. She teaches me how to play blackjack and we're having a great time. I don't drink all that much, but this event was sponsored by a vodka company, and my friend does drink. Quite a bit. Sheila's a bad influence, and I love her for it. She's the social opposite of me. So when she finally arrives, she quickly makes up for it and every time she goes to the bar, she brings back one for me. At the end, we're all sitting down as they are announcing the raffle ticket winners. It was at that point that I realized how drunk I was, and the same point that my date realized that she had broken the heel on her shoe. Sheila had vanished by this time. Came and went. The event was at a Mercedes dealership, and we had to take our cars. They had to stay overnight or not at all. I was too drunk too drive, but luckily I knew of a comic book shop two blocks over, so I drove it there and my date met me. Some of her friends had asked her to come out to a bar with them, so she took me with her while I sobered up. We must have been quite a site. Me, drunk, and her, also inebriated and with a broken heel. We go out for a little while, hang out with her friends, and then go back to my car. Instead of me getting in my car and her going home, we both fell asleep in her car until 4 in the morning. It was very cute, I must say.
But despite all of that, I still couldn't tell if there was any chemistry. Again, she was cute, we had good, playfully sarcastic conversation, but I never figured her out. The last time we got together I made dinner at my house. We watched television for a bit and cuddled, but it was a short dinner because we both had things going on. After that, we never got back together. Our schedules never meshed, we talked about hanging out, but I think we both felt the same and neither of us were really trying to go out of our way. Oh well. What can you do? It seemed completely mutual.
The Youngin'
In preparation for the casino charity event I needed a vest and a fedora to go with my suit, so I went to my favorite retail store, Banana Republic. I was attended to by a very cute blond. She helped me pick everything out and as I was going into the dressing room, she added "I hope I get to see you in that." Well, as bad as I am at reading social cues, I guessed that she might have an interest in me. So I tried everything on, walked out, we talked some more, but I could not get the courage to ask her out. I had no idea what to say. I bought my stuff, thanked her, and walked out. Then, I decided that it was better to make a fool of myself than to regret not trying, so I went back in and asked her if she had a boyfriend. She smiled, said no, and I told her that that was good because she should go on a date with me. She blushed and we exchanged numbers. All is well.
Over the next few days we played twenty questions via text, and finally she says something to the effect of "Despite all of my questions, I can't figure out how old you are." So I tell her. "32. And you?" Her reply was one of the cutest things any girl has ever said to me: "Guess. But before you guess, ask me out so you can't take it back when I tell you."- Adorable. So I ask her out, she says yes, and that she's 22. I had no idea she was that young when I talked to her at the store, but I didn't really have a problem with it, either. I figured it would probably be a good thing, because there was a good chance that she held a good bit more idealism and romanticism then someone closer to my age. And since, in Asperger's fashion, I'm a little socially behind and still hold those ideals, we should get along great.
We go out for dinner and a haunted house and have a great time. She got a kick out of making people feel uncomfortable and trying to induce awkward silences, yet that kind of thing doesn't make me uncomfortable, so we were a good match. Lots of playfully challenging conversation. On to the haunted house, in stereotypical girl fashion, she's scared to death and clinging to me almost the entire time, and all the while I'm just admiring and trying to figure out the animatronics, completely ignoring the actors. Kiss goodnight, message the next day thanking me for such a great night. Schedules didn't mesh for the following week, no big deal. Next week I try to plan something, but no replies. What is it with girls and not replying to texts? Finally she messages me and says that things got more serious with someone else she was seeing. See? That's all she had to say. It's very frustrating not getting answers and being confused. If there's one thing that frustrates someone with AS, it's being helplessly confused. But once she told me that, I was fine. We would have had fun, but why should I get upset if she likes someone more than me? Ah well. She was young. It was a fun evening.
Cute girl at the punk rock show
This was an interesting opportunity for an awkward person such as myself. As I said, approaching people can be difficult to say the least, so to have someone approach you and take away some of the pressure is rare. Cute girl reacts to my t-shirt, an old New Found Glory shirt that I've had for 10 years. We start talking and having a good time, her friends and mine, but I still couldn't get the nerve to say anything. Some people have the ability to talk to anyone, so that doesn't necessarily imply that she was interested. I wasn't going to leave without throwing myself out there, but even then I had to be sure so I asked her friend her opinion. I told her that I'm not good at talking to people, and asked her if she thought it was stupid for me to want to ask her out. Her friend said of course not, and even facilitated a scenario where the two of us were together in the back so I had the chance. That was very sweet of her. So I asked her out, we swapped numbers, everything is great.
We met for brunch the next week. Had good conversation, but not much chemistry right off the bat. I wanted to go out again to make sure, but it never happened. Turns out the next day I met the next girl I'm going to talk about, and this is another one that took me by surprise, so I couldn't in good conscience see anyone else, when I only wanted to see the one who almost reached the bar.
The one who almost reached the bar
I was very surprised by this one. The lesson from this is that you really should wait until people reveal their true nature. It's a hard lesson for me, because I'm very up front about who I am, and I forget sometimes that not everyone else is. Many people are reserved. That's not a bad thing, just something to keep in mind. The first few times I went out with her was great. We had common interests, she seemed like she had her life together and was looking ahead to great things. Then she started opening up about problems she was having. I actually enjoy being there to help people with their problems. Helping people I know and care for and working with them to problem solve is actually relaxing for me. A few of her problems I could have helped her solve very easily. But she wouldn't listen. I know how it feels when a couple of key things go wrong and all of a sudden it seems as though everything is falling apart, but I also know that you can still knock out little problems to lighten the load.
The first few weeks this girl was dropping me compliments all the time, which was a very nice change. I put a lot into relationships, so it's nice when it's recognized and appreciated every once in awhile. Then, however, she had the bright idea of taking herself off of her antidepressants cold turkey. I warned her from personal experience that it wasn't a smart move, but again, she didn't listen. Her messages to me went from "It means so much to me that you always want to see me again" and "I can't wait to see you tomorrow" to "I don't know why you like me" and other negative things about herself. I knew this was the withdrawal talking, so I was patient, but then she told me that she never felt anything towards me, which was untrue, but that she just wanted to be friends. She said that I met every item on her "list" but she didn't feel anything. She did prior to being off of her meds, but at this point there was no point in arguing. Plus, frankly, it hurt my feelings. First that she didn't listen to me, and second to have such a drastic change in personal relationship. I went from thinking I was about to finally have a decent girl to realizing very suddenly that that wasn't the case.
Some people have no respect for themselves, and I believe that is the case with this one. She's used to having guys fawn over her, yet she's a perpetual victim. As I said, I really enjoy being there to help people, but that's just not worth my time. And, come to find out, she just liked someone else more. It was very easy to be angry about this, so it was also easy to get over. I'm worth far more than someone who would disregard all that I do for them. Ah well. What can you do? No harm, no foul.
The Accountant
Refer to this post for this account: http://commonsenseisrelative.blogspot.com/2012/12/watching-arthur-out-of-spite.html
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