An overview
I tend to be quiet until I start talking, and then I don't shut up. One of the ways I get comfortable with people is by trying to find relevant stories from my own life during conversation. I'm sure it's something that everyone probably does, but I get anxious about it. If I can't figure out what to say in a conversation but know that I should say something, I will generally tell pointless or embarrassing stories about myself. I have found that being completely honest, even to my own detriment, weeds people out quite nicely. People who's company I enjoy will stick around, and people I don't care for go away. This has given me a very good circle of friends. They may be few, but they are close, and I can talk to them about anything.
In regard to male role models
My mother apologized to me years ago for me not having good male role models when I was growing up. I told her there was no need, for a number of reasons. I told her that she raised me, not them, and my mother is fantastic. She raised me to be open-minded, accepting, and kind. Second, let's examine the negative role models she's referring to:
First, obviously, is my biological father. Now, I love my father. He's very kind, honest, and hard-working. What he is not is responsible. He has the best of intentions, but more often than not let's his anxiety get the better of him and he shuts down. I understand this on a different level now that I realized I have Asperger's. It's genetic, so there's a good chance that he's socially overwhelmed and has a hard time coping. So, from him, I learned to be responsible.
Second, my ex-step-father. A shrewd and successful businessman, but a liar and a cheat. The type of man who wore his wedding ring at all of his business meetings to look the part of the wholesome family man to his colleagues and customers, but hit the hotel bars at night with his ring back in his suitcase. He and I were never close, up until I turned 16 or so. Then he started spending more time with me and we started bonding. I soon found out that this was because he was avoiding my mother because he started his latest and last relationship while married to my mother. What did I learn from this? Very important lessons: don't cheat, and be honest.
So, while I might not have had someone to show me what to do, I learned something far more valuable: what NOT to do, because I saw the outcome and aftermath of those faults. So no, mother, there is nothing to apologize for.
But wait, you've forgotten someone. You forgot my uncle. The most important male figure in my life. I have always looked up to him, and I always will. Growing up a homosexual in the boonies, being HIV positive for 20+ years and going strong, and dealing with more adversity than most of us can imagine today, there's your positive role model, mom. Now, he found his way in life by trial and error, so I ended up following suit since I didn't know what direction I wanted to take, but I'm happier for it. I'm more confident in my life now than I ever thought possible. I know who I am, what I want out of life, and how to get there. So thank you both. I love you.
Also, I took notes from watching the classics. I love Rex Harrison and Carey Grant, Sinatra, Martin, etc..., so I took what I thought were the best qualities from them and have always tried to emulate them (minus the misogyny, of course). They were romantics, they were generous, and they were witty. I do hear that Harrison was a jerk in real life, but who cares about real life, anyway?
I've also been thinking about my grandfathers lately. I realized some traits I picked up from them, as well. My father's dad, who passed away a long time ago, was very close to me and it really hurt when he passed. I thought about his influence on me which I never would have picked up on as a teen. He took care of problems, but he didn't let me see it. That sounds more menacing and cryptic than it is. For instance, he fought a lot with his wife, but when I was around, I had his full attention and he never looked upset. I try my hardest to follow that lead. Let the parade go on, but don't avoid your problems.
From my mother's father, however, I learned something more primal. He may seem like a grumpy old git, but he looks after his own and will do anything to protect him. He's a big baby at heart. They live in Mississippi and they have all sorts of animals and he loves the hell out of them. He tends to the cows and donkey every day, makes sure all of the cats are fed, and even though he may seem gruff, he looks out for the family, too. But, he will also sit on the porch with a shotgun and kill any feral dog that comes near to harm any of the animals. In a way I'm the same way. I'm very protective of my circle, but outside of that isn't much my concern. It's not that I'm not charitable, it's just that my focus is on doing the best for the people I care about.
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