Watching Arthur out of spite

Again, people confuse me. Had what I thought to be a great first date last night. I was wrong, apparently. We had a ton in common: she's an accountant, I'm going to be one, we both love cooking, we seem to have the same sense of humor, two of her top three movies are mine, as well, and, let's be honest, we're both easy on the eyes. We laughed, we shared each other's food, we both loved the restaurant. And Morgan Freeman was there! It was a good night! But then at the end, she got weird. She had to wake up early so we wrapped it up at 9. As I walked her back to her car, I said that I had a great time and would like to see her again, to which she replied "it's a new year." I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. And she seemed in a hurry. I texted her just after and asked if she had a good time because I quite liked her to which she said "that's sweet of you to say. Take care." Obviously there was something I missed.

It made me really angry for awhile, so I had a drink with a friend who was also having a bad day, and together we calmed down. If I can't understand something and have no way of clarifying, I need to find some reason why it was for the best. Well, the movie in my top three that wasn't in hers was Arthur. The original with Dudley Moore. She said she hated that movie. That bothers me. That's like saying you don't like comedy itself. Or pizza! How can you not like Arthur? So in reverence I watched it again tonight, because at least one of us has good taste.

An explanation about over-explanation

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's miscommunication. So many problems can be solved through understanding. Not to sound like a dirty hippy, but it's true. And, being someone who has trouble with verbal communication, it's extremely important to me to make myself clear. I don't know what made me think about this point today, but it's become a subject that I still struggle with. I often, in an attempt to make my position understood, stick my foot in my mouth. This happens because things can sound differently in your head, and when you say them out loud, you realize how wrong they sound, but then it's too late. The only person who has understood that about me was my friend and ex-girlfriend, Brandi. She, at least, knew this, so with her if I said something I didn't mean to, I could retract and she would know that was the case. I understand that's a very difficult thing for people to accept. In general, if I'm angry about something, I don't talk about it while I'm upset because I will end up saying something I don't mean. I would prefer to calm down and figure out the exact reason why I'm upset so I can effectively deal with the situation. And it drives me nuts when someone doesn't understand my position. How can you have a meaningful discussion with someone or get anything accomplished if the other person doesn't understand your point of view? Again, don't know what brought this up. It's not actually relevant to anything currently going on. Just something I think about a lot.

For Brandi(I actually hate Vespas. And I'm sure I'll get a lecture on how this isn't a Vespa,)

My weekly Sunday can't sleep session.

It's often that I can't sleep on Sundays. Anxiety kicks in and I get overwhelmed for the week to come. Logically I know there is no reason for this, but this has been happening for years, so I decided to write down what's going on in my head. I'm not worried about anything going on this week. On the contrary, this is shaping up to be a promising week. I actually have at least one promising date this week, and I have family and friends for the holidays. I need to focus on the positive, but what's on my mind is her. Not just any her, but her(see the journey through dating page). I've stated before that my two special interests were music and romance, but there can be a downside to special interests when there is conflict in one. In this case, this ideal that I have always fallen back on, the idea that I would find one of those perfect people for me, has gone awry and now it's been haunting me, because now that ideal person has a face. Before it was always a dark shape waiting to be colored in.

It subsided for a bit because I thought I had found someone else who filled that mold, but now that that's done it goes back to her. It's plagued me all weekend and I can't shake it, despite my full undrstanding of the futility of it. I also understand that one reason I go back to thinking about her is that she appreciated my efforts, even though she wasn't ready for them. One word would change my life. A simple yes. But I will never hear that word or that voice again, so I try in vain to combat one interest with another. I try putting on music to divert my attention, but none of it helps me sleep, especially considering how picky I am with music. The best Pandora station I've found so far to sleep to is the Further Seems Forever station, but even then I keep having to break my sleepiness to turn off some song that doesn't fit. This also means that I won't be able to get up early enough to go to the gym, which is another means of stress relief for me. I just want to sleep. Why can't this song be true for me? I play my part. I put my all into it. ln this case, love did let her get away. I will take Sara Bareilles, though. I could be perfectly content marrying her. "Working class boys dreaming of girls from far away points."-FSF, song-Snowbirds and Townies. Goodnight, hopefully

Frustrating/Enlightening

It's interesting how you can be in a terrific mood yet very depressed at the same time. I had a fantastic night with a friend who gave me an amazing present: she took me to see the newest Cirque Du Soliel, Totem. I hadn't been to one in about 17 years, and this was just as fantastic as I remembered. A great night. Met some new people who were fabulous, then saw a great show. Couldn't have asked for a better evening. Thank you very much, Becky. You have no idea how much that meant to me. So I went to bed quite happy. And woke up quite happy, but it's funny how just seeing a couple of paragraphs written by someone you care about can upset even the greatest of moods. Reading about how lonely someone is when there is very obviously someone who has done everything he can to be with you and to give you a hand when you're overwhelmed is a slap in the face.

Why do I let myself get so frustrated? Maybe because I keep getting caught by surprise. I think everything is perfect, then find out that I apparently read the situation wrong, or I was actually right about the situation, saw the warning signs, but didn't think it would affect me. That makes sense, trust me, but I won't go into details. Either way, I'm left heart-broken. I can still think about last night(this whole week has been pretty great, actually) and smile, but oh man do I need something to punch. It's days like this that I wish I could be a jerk and not care, but it's not in my nature. Being caring is a terrific trait, but also one which causes a lot of pain.

But, as Tyrion Lannister says, as well as just about every other character from A Song of Ice and Fire, "words are wind." I'm not going to sit here and pine over someone who doesn't appreciate me or see me for who I really am. I'm worth more than that. Done and done. Ready for a nice relaxing weekend.

Give me the girl, I'll give you the love story

Just finished watching the 2011 remake of Arthur, with Russell Brand, for the third time. It's not the original, and Brand is not Dudley Moore by any stretch, but it's actually a pretty decent remake. But that's not the point of this rant. This remake, being a bit more hipster-ish, is a much more romantic story than the original, and being a hopeless romantic myself, it adds points to the review. But it also reminds me of how much people confuse me when it comes to relationships.

Most people love watching these romantic stories, guys and girls, though some guys may deny it to seem macho, and even yearn for them, but they act as if it isn't something that can actually happen in real life. I call bullshit. In this particular instance, no, I can't rent out Grand Central for 45 minutes, hire acrobats, and get Pez dispensers designed to the likeness of myself and the girl I fancy for a first date, but that doesn't mean that the whole concept goes out the window as soon as the credits roll. If the person I'm with doesn't bring out that movie-romance persona in me, then I won't be in the relationship for long. But what's worse is that lately, every time I'm with someone who does bring that out in me, I'm treated with suspicion or treated as if it's fake. Either that or the girl can't believe that anything good can happen to her, so any act is dismissed or, in some cases, ignored. I know that people can do terrible things, and I know people who have been through horrific ordeals, in and out of relationships, but how can people really give up hope? I've been through a lot, and I've been to some of the lowest places in my life, but I can't imagine losing the hope that things will turn around. I haven't been abused physically as some people I know have, I admit. But not everyone is a monster. Some of us try very hard to exemplify the better side of our species and gender. Sometimes great things can happen if you just let them.

I won't say that I haven't been discouraged, and I remember just this weekend telling Brandi that I'll probably end up just adopting a child on my own because I'm not going to find anyone. I don't actually believe that, though. I can't. I can never give up hope. I know so many people that have, and I can never allow myself to perish without a fight They settle in their relationships because they think they can't get any better. I was guilty of that very thing. I almost MARRIED someone in my early 20's that I actually thought was a terrible human being because I didn't think I could do better. Luckily I realized this folly early enough to escape with my life intact. Why do we do this?

Why can't I let someone know that I think they're amazing and that I'm mesmerized by them? It IS possible to live the life you dream about, if you'll just accept that it can happen. Let someone do nice things for you, not because they want something from you, but because they want to make you smile and put their arms around you. This world is growing crazier, more stressful, hectic, and not to mention dangerous day after day. I'm sure this is incoherent because I'm exhausted, but you can't convince me that it's impossible to find someone to be static with amidst the thoroughfare.

Good birthday

I wasn't in the best of moods going in to it, but my fabulous friends and nerdy conversations turned that around. Thank you very much, peoples.

It's never too late

I need to be in a band. It seems that art is the only avenue that makes being a romantic acceptable. At least I have my swing album to work on for the time being. Whether I perform it myself or ghost write it is still up in the air, but either way it's a start. I'd really like to start a hardcore band, though. But you already know this.

Birthday, shmirthday.

Well, since I'm not getting what I actually wanted, you could at least be kind enough, universe, to let the rains come so the temperature will drop. I want to wear a scarf on my birthday without sweating my balls off. A scarved Douglas is a happy Douglas.

I don't wanna!

I need to focus on studying for this last final. Knowing it's going to be easy doesn't mean I don't need to study, but it doesn't give much in the way of motivation. Alright, fine. You win. I will point out, however, that Murphy disagrees with you and is therefore laying on my review sheet. It has nothing to do with the fact that he likes the crunching sound it makes.

A couple of general rules you people need to follow.

1. F'ing turn signals: I have no idea what's going on in your head, fellow driver. But the automobile manufacturers were smart. They realized this, so they implemented little devices to give me just a little piece of what you're thinking. Things like "I need to get into that other lane" or "I should start slowing down because my turn is up ahead." Everyman is the king or queen of their own world, but you have to realize that there are other kingdoms nearby who can destroy yours if treaties are not upheld. Call me usurper, call me what you will, but one day I'm going to wreck your shit because I had no idea you were coming into my lane. Just sayin'.

2. Pedestrians, don't walk diagonally to your destination in parking lots. Walk in straight lines so the rest of us can get to our destination quicker. It only makes sense. The faster I arrive at my intended location, the less gas I use. Help the planet. You might as well be driving a gas guzzling SUV, you insensitive jerk.

That is all for now. More to follow.